Love everyone deeply because life is short!
How to Head Off Unforgiveness
This past week it was reveled to me that the Bible gives us tools to help with healing after being hurt. In Ephesians 4:25-27, the Bible states:
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
To me, this verse instructs us to humbly and lovingly ask for an explanation for any action that we perceive to be hurtful. I think that one of the most common mistakes we can make in a hurtful situation is to leap to the conclusion that the person who hurt us did so intentionally. If so, then why bother to ask for an explanation, right? Well, the truth is that most people feel that they’re doing the right thing, and don’t really mean to hurt anybody. But if we don’t confirm that, the hurt just festers and burns in our brains. Most times, if you politely ask for an explanation, you’ll find out that the other person was not trying to hurt you. You might discover that the person was actually trying to help you!
Many of us have surrounded ourselves with a Plexiglas box that we think protects us from being hurt. We don’t want others to see the “true” persons in us because they might find a weakness and break our hearts or hurt us. But I once heard someone say that to really love and be loved we must risk getting a broken heart. In the end it’s worth it because if we experience love, we’ll get a glimpse of God’s perfect love! We must remember that as long as we imperfect humans are involved in relationships, we’ll make mistakes and people will sometimes get hurt. It’s inevitable and very unfortunate, but when it happens we can at least act quickly to reduce the pain and heal rapidly (kind of like Wolverine from X-Men, but without all the bullet wounds and what-not).
I’ve always heard this particular scripture from Ephesians preached to married couples, but I think it’s for the benefit of ALL people. So . . . when you are hurt by someone else’s words or actions, humbly (and quickly) seek an explanation. Do so with a contrite, honest heart. Don’t go on the defensive, and be prepared to let the other person do a little venting. It’s far better to let them blow off steam about you to you, than to everyone else in your office or family! I also HIGHLY recommend that you only speak to the person when you (and hopefully they) are calm. Finally, even though you may be looking for an explanation, if you go with your heart in your hands and say “I’m sorry” first, that one statement can typically smooth things over so that you can get to the core of the hurtful matter. In the end, if you’re wrongly accused and the other person doesn’t soften, you can at least walk away knowing that your Lord is smiling because you did the right thing!
Forgiveness and Interacting with Family (and Friends)
Summary
To have peace and forgiveness with family members, follow these tips:
1. Pray for protection over the family member and the event.
2. Fortify your spiritual armor –read your bible, especially
Matthew 18:2-35.
3. Choose to forgive them and to move forward spiritually. They don’t know, or they may have forgotten, that you are a chosen one of the most-high God.
4. Relax and remember that Jesus is Lord and he has given you this family for a purpose, including for you to encourage and love.
5. Limit your time with your family members who divert your attention from pleasing God. It’s better to have a small amount of quality time with them rather than a large amount of time where there is plenty of time to be tempted to act unlovely!
Read below for the entire post.
Our family and friends can often be the most challenging piece in our walk of faith and forgiveness. Some of this stems from the tendency for family members to be brutally honest with each other. I’m not quite sure where this comes from — apparently it’s like some unwritten rule that family is obliged to point out every flaw and lack of ability in their relatives. That sets everyone up for unforgiveness that can last a lifetime. If you’re not careful, time with family members can become a chore, an obligation that only adds stress to your life and takes away from your focus on God.
Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. I believe that our family should be the MOST loving, supportive, and encouraging corner of our lives. You know that saying, “blood is thicker than water,” which essentially means that when times are bad your family will be with you no matter what? Your relationship with your family can be like this, but you may have to do a bit of work in both the natural and supernatural to make it so.
Have you ever wondered how you got placed in your family? Given some of our experiences, many of us may feel that we got switched at birth! Our family members may actually be incredibly different from us physically, emotionally and spiritually, leading us to ask, “How in the world did I get here?” “Who are these people?” I have a milkman joke I could use here, but there aren’t too many milkmen left so it probably wouldn’t make sense. In any event, what should you do when you feel taxed and out of place?
Well, you should start by assuring yourself that everything — including your family placement — is for God’s divine purpose. As different as you may feel from the rest of your family, it’s your family that makes you special and thus uniquely qualified to serve God in your own individual way. Do you have a sister who drives you crazy? She probably provided you with life experiences that you can use in your own ministry. Do your parents seem like they came from Mars? Growing up among these Martians gave you the knowledge to act as God’s servant with other different people. So thank God for the blessing of your particular family, no matter how much of an outsider you think you are.
Even if they are a blessing to you, your family members still may occasionally push certain buttons in you, setting you on the path of acting unlovely. Remember that you have a choice to act or react, so choose to act! Here are a few helpful tips to help you keep your peace and to work through forgiveness with them.
1. Pray for peace over your entire family and supernatural covering over where they live. Ask God to protect you from the enemy’s fiery darts that may be launched against you through your own family members. Pray for extra protection of the Lord on any particular family members that like to pick on you or provoke you, and demand that Satan and his demons not talk to you or even come near you at any gathering where you might be with family.
2. Fortify your spiritual armor. Ask the Lord to strengthen you and give you His peace. Ask for Godly wisdom in your family interactions. Ask for God’s truth and light to be shown in your interactions so that you can operate with His love. Spend a little extra time with God before you go to any outing where you will be with family.
3. Forgive their un-loveliness for they do not know what they are doing or who they are messing with! You are children of the most high God, and their bad behavior likely comes from Satan, but you can’t expect them to know that because they may not be where you are spiritually. Make sure that you spend some time in the word reflecting on a few key passages, such as Matthew 18:21-35 about forgiveness and the wicked servant. Ask the Lord to help you forgive them. You can do all things through Christ. And remember not to give up! Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Having unforgiveness from some prior event will likely cloud your ability to deal with family in the present, so work on forgiving them for prior wrongs. Try to look at things from a different aspect – even from the aspect that you are moving ahead spiritually and have a duty to mirror God in your actions toward difficult people. Take a second and try to see each member of your family the way God sees them. The same God who created and loves you also created and loves them. God forgives, so we should too.
4. Keep rested, relaxed, and prepared to go to your “happy place” when challenged! Take a deep breath, and by that I mean to breathe in the Holy Spirit’s calming peace! Have you watched the movie “Anger Management?” In that movie Jack Nicholson uses the word “goosefraba” to help his patient get out of anger mode and back to a calm demeanor. Well, I like to use “JIL” – Jesus Is Lord! Whenever I get ruffled, I take a JIL pill. Remember who’s in control – Jesus! Let Jesus help you handle the situation with a smile and a Godly countenance.
5. Give yourself permission to limit the amount of time with your family, and especially those family members who push your buttons. It’s far better for you to leave some event early (or not even attend at all) than to stick it out and leave scars from hurtful words or actions. You may have noticed that when families get together the siblings often revert to how they behaved as children. Because of this, one of my friends stopped going home at Christmas because that was always a hurtful, difficult time with her family. Her family was upset at first, but now she spends time with individual groups of the family and is re-building new, adult relationships with her siblings. She’s now able to be part of the solution in the healing in their lives rather than contributing to the problem. And guess what? She now has incredible peace, joy and FUN in her family interactions!
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