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How to Head Off Unforgiveness

Published February 17, 2012 Forgiveness 4 Comments
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How to Head Off Unforgiveness

This past week it was reveled to me that the Bible gives us tools to help with healing after being hurt. In Ephesians 4:25-27, the Bible states:

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

To me, this verse instructs us to humbly and lovingly ask for an explanation for any action that we perceive to be hurtful. I think that one of the most common mistakes we can make in a hurtful situation is to leap to the conclusion that the person who hurt us did so intentionally. If so, then why bother to ask for an explanation, right? Well, the truth is that most people feel that they’re doing the right thing, and don’t really mean to hurt anybody. But if we don’t confirm that, the hurt just festers and burns in our brains. Most times, if you politely ask for an explanation, you’ll find out that the other person was not trying to hurt you. You might discover that the person was actually trying to help you!

Many of us have surrounded ourselves with a Plexiglas box that we think protects us from being hurt. We don’t want others to see the “true” persons in us because they might find a weakness and break our hearts or hurt us.  But I once heard someone say that to really love and be loved we must risk getting a broken heart.  In the end it’s worth it because if we experience love, we’ll get a glimpse of God’s perfect love! We must remember that as long as we imperfect humans are involved in relationships, we’ll make mistakes and people will sometimes get hurt. It’s inevitable and very unfortunate, but when it happens we can at least act quickly to reduce the pain and heal rapidly (kind of like Wolverine from X-Men, but without all the bullet wounds and what-not).

I’ve always heard this particular scripture from Ephesians preached to married couples, but I think it’s for the benefit of ALL people.  So . . . when you are hurt by someone else’s words or actions, humbly (and quickly) seek an explanation.  Do so with a contrite, honest heart.  Don’t go on the defensive, and be prepared to let the other person do a little venting. It’s far better to let them blow off steam about you to you, than to everyone else in your office or family!  I also HIGHLY recommend that you only speak to the person when you (and hopefully they) are calm.  Finally, even though you may be looking for an explanation, if you go with your heart in your hands and say “I’m sorry” first, that one statement can typically smooth things over so that you can get to the core of the hurtful matter.  In the end, if you’re wrongly accused and the other person doesn’t soften, you can at least walk away knowing that your Lord is smiling because you did the right thing!

 

 

Are You Wounded with Unforgiveness?

Published January 28, 2012 Forgiveness Leave a Comment
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Are you Wounded with Unforgiveness?

It is very easy to become wounded in this world that we live in.  Woundedness is created from a betrayal of trust and from the lies that the enemy plants in how we view that action.  Did you know that satan wants to steal (our peace), kill (our faith and love), and destroy us?  His best work is done through others close to us in positions of trust and that means family, friends, bosses, co-workers and acquaintances.  Most of us trust someone, at least a little, when we first meet them.  People can then earn our trust and enter our inner circle of our life and emotions or remain arms length.  Sometimes we are too trusting and we get hurt by the people that we love and respect and satan uses these opportunities to pollute our minds and distort the meaning and importance of what really happened. Believe me, I know how painful this is!

Remember that the world teaches us to get even with them or tell them exactly what is on our mind.  It is in these moments that we can chose to ACT rather than REACT.  Have you ever watched in horror as your mouth detaches from your body and goes on a rampage? And then we are left embarrassed and convicted to apologize no matter how deserving the flesh says the recipient was to receive the “truth”.  I will be the first to apologize when  I know I have hurt someone and it is always with my heart in my hand, a lump in my throat and my pride at my feet!  What if we could recognize the moment of the pain for what it really is – an attempt by the enemy to get us to act unlovingly to one of Gods children?  I have great news for you – we can learn to recognize the tactics of the enemy and ACT on those actions rather than react.  Let me put this to you another way.  How do you feel when someone laughs at you when you do something silly and I do not mean jokingly or on purpose?  You feel embarrassed, humiliated, angry and hurt.  Well guess what?  Every time we allow satan to get his way he is the one laughing at you!  He gets his way when we are hurt and he can make us act vindictive, mean, disrespectful and unforgiving.  Stop letting him have the upper hand and take an inventory of the garden of your heart.  Search out the root of bitterness and the weeds of hate and anger and pull them out!

I know that many of us have had hurts that we bury in our heart garden thinking that we have forgiven only to find that root of bitterness sprouting up again when we are near the person that hurt us or we even hear their name.  I love the book “Choosing Forgiveness – Your Journey to Freedom” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.   She states, “..often we can’t see it (bitterness), even when it’s there.  How can you tell?  For starters, see if you relate to any of these statements:

  • I often replay in my mind the incident(s) that hurt me.
  • When I think of a particular person or situation, I still feel angry.
  • I try hard not to think about the person, event or circumstance that caused me so much pain.
  • I have a subtle, secret desire to see this person pay for what he or she did to me.
  • Deep down in my heart, I wouldn’t mind if something bad happened to the person(s) who hurt me.
  • I often find myself telling others how this person has hurt me.
  • A lot of my conversations revolve around this situation.
  • Whenever his or her name comes up, I am more likely to say something negative than something positive about him or her.

I must admit that this checklist was very convicting to me personally.  I thought that I had forgiven the person that hurt me but I saw myself saying negative things about them and retelling the story of my hurt to others.  Thankfully, my eyes were opened to my buried root of bitterness so that I can dig it out of my heart and fill in the space with fertile God soil.  Take a few moments and look over these questions, ask God to show you whose root of bitterness you have buried in your heart and ask him to bless that person and help you heal your heart!  You may need to go over this checklist many times, but the Holy Spirit will reveal the root(s) and help you heal the wound so that you can continue in obedience, peace and joy!

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